I have been avoiding writing about this...because than its real.

I have been avoiding writing about this....and, it still feels weird to do now.... I don't feel like I can even explain how I feel.

I am completely taken aback. And, shocked, angry, confused, and sad. I have so many emotions that I cant place or describe or give justice through words.  

I still feel like it is not fair or okay and that it does not make sense.

I keep expecting you to walk around the corner.  My brain tells me your not going to...but, it is still so unreal that I expect you to.

I see you smile and hear you laugh....and say something sarcastic.

I am starting to have okay moments.  Not full days but, times when things seem okay.  I think that is how it works.  I will not have a completely okay day for a long time....maybe never.  

But, I think that is good...I never want to forget.  I cant imagine I ever would but, I am scared I will forget the little things. 

I need you.  I love you.  I miss you.

Here is what I wrote for J's Funeral....

I have known Julia for just a small amount of time in the scheme of things.

I am so happy that I got to share what we did together.

Looking back, I am so grateful for the last few weeks.

So many of my memories involve Julia. All the good ones at least.

I got to know Julia as a YPT student and a techie. I was immediately impressed with her knowledge, drive, and heart. I loved to work a show with her. She was always on whatever needed to be done before you asked her. I can still hear her say house open in five…

I am so proud that I also got to call her my friend.  We used to laugh at all of the silly things we did….and say if the YPT parents actually knew what we were up to they would never leave their children with us. Between free slurpee day, dinosaur hats, and epic water balloon fights. Sometimes we seemed more like the kids. 

That’s the thing about J she could be silly and immature one minute and be taking on the world or an entire cast in another.

We went out to dinner for Heather Goods birthday last year. And, ended up at an Irish pub after. Julia went to the bathroom and when she returned we had ordered her a shirlee temple….she was so mad (she grumbled all night). 

Its funny she could go out with us, and get the shirlee temple. But, to us she never seemed to be that young.  She’s amazing like that. You see Julia was always a little younger than the rest of us, but we never noticed. She is such a wise, wonderful, intelligent and mature girl. 

One of my favorite things about J is that she could tell these outrageous and ridiculous stories. And people would believe her. I was one of those people for a while, until I figured it out. I was so happy to be on the other side of the game. I loved to watch her create something. I can remember the look she would get, you could see the wheels turning. I would sit back and observe the scene take place. They never stood a chance. She took great pride in that.

She told me once that alligators travelled in packs and were scared of the color yellow.

J was good at a lot of things. But, I think one of the coolest involved grapes. We all went to a wine festival and decided to do some grape stomping. Our normal group was all lined up with another girl. Before we started the man in charge talked up this 12 year old girl who had already won 3 or 4 times and was the champion. I don’t know how J did it. But, she took down the 12 year old girl.

You never saw J without her iphone. She loved that crazy thing. She had these ridiculous apps and was always trying to talk me into one.

Julia is a crazy free spirit. You see, I am a bit of a rule follower. And, I think that is what drew me to J. She was not. She was just a little trouble. The kind everybody needs a bit of.

I will miss her smile, and the way she looked at me, the additions to conversations, Indian food excursions, the way she always fell asleep every time we would start a movie, her crazy converse shoes, her t-shirts that always had something to say, her hate for the TERRADACTYL game, dance parties in the car, her calling me a “fake vegetarian”, slumber parties, adventures, and how she would freak out if the air conditioning was too loud in my car.

I will miss all of those things and many more. I will always remember them and be happy for the moments we shared.

We made a “Summer to Do List” and were crossing off items as we went. We did not finish it, but the rest of us will, and J will be there to see it.

Next to Normal was a show she was in love with recently. There is a line that says “I am more than memory”

And, she is.

She will always be my dear friend and well loved red head.