I have been avoiding writing about this...because than its real.

I have been avoiding writing about this....and, it still feels weird to do now.... I don't feel like I can even explain how I feel.

I am completely taken aback. And, shocked, angry, confused, and sad. I have so many emotions that I cant place or describe or give justice through words.  

I still feel like it is not fair or okay and that it does not make sense.

I keep expecting you to walk around the corner.  My brain tells me your not going to...but, it is still so unreal that I expect you to.

I see you smile and hear you laugh....and say something sarcastic.

I am starting to have okay moments.  Not full days but, times when things seem okay.  I think that is how it works.  I will not have a completely okay day for a long time....maybe never.  

But, I think that is good...I never want to forget.  I cant imagine I ever would but, I am scared I will forget the little things. 

I need you.  I love you.  I miss you.

Here is what I wrote for J's Funeral....

I have known Julia for just a small amount of time in the scheme of things.

I am so happy that I got to share what we did together.

Looking back, I am so grateful for the last few weeks.

So many of my memories involve Julia. All the good ones at least.

I got to know Julia as a YPT student and a techie. I was immediately impressed with her knowledge, drive, and heart. I loved to work a show with her. She was always on whatever needed to be done before you asked her. I can still hear her say house open in five…

I am so proud that I also got to call her my friend.  We used to laugh at all of the silly things we did….and say if the YPT parents actually knew what we were up to they would never leave their children with us. Between free slurpee day, dinosaur hats, and epic water balloon fights. Sometimes we seemed more like the kids. 

That’s the thing about J she could be silly and immature one minute and be taking on the world or an entire cast in another.

We went out to dinner for Heather Goods birthday last year. And, ended up at an Irish pub after. Julia went to the bathroom and when she returned we had ordered her a shirlee temple….she was so mad (she grumbled all night). 

Its funny she could go out with us, and get the shirlee temple. But, to us she never seemed to be that young.  She’s amazing like that. You see Julia was always a little younger than the rest of us, but we never noticed. She is such a wise, wonderful, intelligent and mature girl. 

One of my favorite things about J is that she could tell these outrageous and ridiculous stories. And people would believe her. I was one of those people for a while, until I figured it out. I was so happy to be on the other side of the game. I loved to watch her create something. I can remember the look she would get, you could see the wheels turning. I would sit back and observe the scene take place. They never stood a chance. She took great pride in that.

She told me once that alligators travelled in packs and were scared of the color yellow.

J was good at a lot of things. But, I think one of the coolest involved grapes. We all went to a wine festival and decided to do some grape stomping. Our normal group was all lined up with another girl. Before we started the man in charge talked up this 12 year old girl who had already won 3 or 4 times and was the champion. I don’t know how J did it. But, she took down the 12 year old girl.

You never saw J without her iphone. She loved that crazy thing. She had these ridiculous apps and was always trying to talk me into one.

Julia is a crazy free spirit. You see, I am a bit of a rule follower. And, I think that is what drew me to J. She was not. She was just a little trouble. The kind everybody needs a bit of.

I will miss her smile, and the way she looked at me, the additions to conversations, Indian food excursions, the way she always fell asleep every time we would start a movie, her crazy converse shoes, her t-shirts that always had something to say, her hate for the TERRADACTYL game, dance parties in the car, her calling me a “fake vegetarian”, slumber parties, adventures, and how she would freak out if the air conditioning was too loud in my car.

I will miss all of those things and many more. I will always remember them and be happy for the moments we shared.

We made a “Summer to Do List” and were crossing off items as we went. We did not finish it, but the rest of us will, and J will be there to see it.

Next to Normal was a show she was in love with recently. There is a line that says “I am more than memory”

And, she is.

She will always be my dear friend and well loved red head.

"It's that moment when you start closin' in, First you're holding back then surrendering"

I considered changing some of this....but, I didn't...

This blog makes me laugh...because in general I mean to be vague...sometimes I am too obvious(so I try to be more vague)...and others when I think I am getting something across (attempt at being less vague) people walk away with a completely different thought than the one I was trying to portray...great.

This summer I am learning so much about myself. And, to tell you the truth I am a giant mess. I mean I always knew I was, but, it seems to be becoming harder to hide... In general, this is a good thing to be learning...but, its sort of making me feel sad about me....I do not like these feelings....yuck.

"We love those seats. Well, we really enjoyed those seats. You cant love a seat, unless its on an attractive man..." -OH MY.

I am confused.

Come on already...

Pimms cup....I need to try one of these. http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Pimms-Cup-101455

Please eat...preferably real food.

Per our earlier conversation....If that is what you want, that is fine, I understand...but, for the record it is not what I want...so, I hope you reconsider...

Goldman's you seriously are my favorite...I can not tell you all how much I truly enjoy you. It was wonderful to see you. Can I just be a Goldman...not all the time because, well I love my family...but, sometimes?

Do I have to do it?

Harry Potter...was lovely...sleeping J and P....and thanks Ben for making sure I was awake :)

It's interesting how you change your mind...

You blushed...and that made me smile.

Awkward... used in multiple situations this last week.

I love that we continually are learning...

Items Completed on the Summer To Do List

• Play at the cool park.
• Watch V for Vendetta
• Swim with Dolphins.
• Experience the Idol Experience at MGM ( partly completed-I did not see the front of house part...but, what I did see was oh so cool.)
• Beach it up!
• Swim a lot.
• General play at Disney day.
• Slam Poetry.
• Have random adventures.
• RED ROBIN adventure
• Universal day!
• Wet -N- Wild day
• Swim in a spring
• Float down the river
• Slip -N- Slide
• Paint ball fight with balloons ( also partly completed....and well, epic.)
• Lake Party at Julia's house
• Go to a Museum
• Canoe
• Chalk
• Go on a boat
• Don't get skin cancer (So far, so good)
• Ice cream at the Delicious ice cream place in Umatilla
• Blue Man Group
• See Across the Universe (wonderful)
• Make summer survival Kits.
• Jump in the fountain.
• Go on the roof of the theatre (so cool)
• Picnic
• Picnic on the roof

You are darn adorable.

"No Mummy, I don't want to come back"

Theatre in a Trunk....DONE :)

You were fishing...I didn't bite...

It was so lovely and weird to rehash stories....

Well that was easy...

"It's that moment when you start closin' in, First you're holding back then surrendering"

I am so glad you are doing well...

"I love her, I wish she was my best friend." -Not meant to be said to the person Aunt Elizabeth...

I have to meet this cute little girl... I cant believe it has been 3 years...wow.

You better of had the Mickey ice cream...as you know its a rule.

"How I keep catching her eye Man, I keep wondering why, Ain't nothing special 'bout an

"awe shucks" country boy"

LOVE THIS right now...I think it is because it says "shucks" - which I say a lot and

"Country boy" -Oklahoma.

Cadbury Flakes...delicious. British Chocolate is far superior.

"5 ways to tell if your date is lying" -Lila and I found these amusing...but, I also found that I would look like I was lying....like all the time...shucks.

I think you just made my mind up for me...thanks.

Thorns in the field...not cool.

"To kiss and tell it's just not my style, But the night is young and it's been awhile" -Stuck in my head

AHHHHHHH......

Apparently I am seen as a judgmental person...(said in a joking context- but, I believe that things said in such context have some truth to them or the person who says them believes they do)

The above makes me very sad. Because, I try very hard to not be. I am very vocal about my opinions...and, I will let you know them. But, I feel like that is what you do with friends. You, have conversations on different things. You share opinions and ideas. But, I try very hard to not push my ideas on others.

And yes, I believe my ideas are right...or I would not believe them... But, I respect other peoples as well.

I don't know...it just makes me sad...If I am being judgmental I am not aware...and I truly apologize. Please point out situations where you think I am....on the list of things to make me a better me.

"It's okay I have a good friend of mine who is coming in to give us all cootie shots" - Mr. Benjamin Rush

Don't give me that look.

You are not a bad person....Sometimes we make bad decisions...but, those don't make us bad.

I miss you....please come back...

The water balloon fight of the century was epic.

Orange Team....absolutely cheated....not cool.

I am a fan of rules... Julia is not. :)

I am so ready for CO.

Girlie's you make me smile....

I have to get started on the book club book for Tues.... I am a little worried.

drama.

The pictures WILL be up soon. Sorry for the delay.

I am in love with my new Water Bottle. I may need a few more...

Marci....you are seriously my favorite....why are we in different states?

Oh, goodness.

Miss. Christine Goldman....I think you should.

I am due for a melt down... tears and laughter are coming...I know it.

The Aunt Elizabeth on twitter....something is wrong in the world.

Indian food is absolutely my favorite....thanks for joining me friends.

You are so cool...seriously.

I wish my car was working....I am a little worried about the cost... total... $32 craziness.....

My reaction is weirding me out....

"Boys suck" -Joe Vatter :)

I love....skirts that flow when you spin, dance parties to The Police, Good Wine, Eating Dinner Outside, and The Aunt Elizabeth and Uncle Mike.

Until Next Time...

So against "mediocre emotions"

"sometimes I think we skate through life on mediocre emotions" -Marci Williams....I never want to skate through life on anything...especially mediocre emotions....bring on the good stuff...and the bad stuff....the stuff that stops you and makes you feel....really feel.


"for what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. there’s no time limit… start whenever you want… you can change or stay the same. there are no rules to this thing. we can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."- benjamin button


Really???

They are like giants.

I am sorry that it didn't work out for you.

Don't do something because you think you are supposed to.

Camp is starting again....oh my.


SLURPEE DAY! So amazingly fabulous...why do I let myself get that sick?


Sarah Palin....really? Gross.


My attire is not fluzy like....just to be clear.


I liked your dress.



J- You seriously save me a lot. And, for that and so many other reasons I adore you.

"I'm just a girl who cant say yes" - Story of my life.


Why are you so adorable?


Unexpected but, flattering.


So, that was bunked.


Goldman's lets play...now.



Mr. Vatter you are pretty much ridiculous.

Pimm's drink....???? What is it again Marcellee?

Sometimes I am mean....and truly most of the time I am unaware....when I am aware I feel terrible...please feel free to call me out on my mean tendencies...I would like to fix them. (Don't be mean in the way you do it please)

On the same note...I can be really mean when I want to....I think everyone can...its awful.

That's why I thought twice.

This is me....I like me...I am sorry if you don't.

Fun Park...soon.

Gentleman....its a foreign concept sometimes...its a bit refreshing. Unless, I am being hood blinked....which is a possibility...one I am not going to worry about.

So much to do.


"I am going to make this my default picture. That should be incentive enough for you to post them"


Oh, no.

Marci....thanks for being wonderful.

SLAM...this week? Please.

Bumper cars :)

"You should not lead on the mentally unstable ones" - no this does not apply to you.

"Do we have chalk in this theatre? Because, I would really like to do a chalk outline joke" -Julia Vatter

YOU make me laugh almost every time....definitely a good thing....

Stop it already.

I am apparently an awful person...this is sad.

I don't want that to be....

Come on already...

Okay, I was a bit of a stupid girl....I fully expected it.

J, thanks for all of your help. You really are wonderful...mean to me...but, wonderful :)

"Just Do It" slogan for Nike and advice from my aunt...oh my.

Someone has a crush...

If anyone is going to jail its me...and it will be for something oh so stupid. If I go to jail for something in my life I want it to at least be for something that I whole heartily believe in and am standing up for.

I thought it was funny....oops.

Me saying "I am just along for the ride" does mean I don't want to make a decision...but more so, that I have no strong feelings one way or the other....therefore I would be happy with any decision made. I WILL let you know if I truly have a preference.

I did nothing wrong...

SUMMER CAMP! Wahoo!

Coke on my car= weird...but now it works. YES!

Tickling....ugh....

The roof of the BSP building was super cool. That + Ice cream= Perfect night :)

I was a little scared and not trying to be mean...I apologize.

I don't like messing up. Not even a little bit. I am a rule follower at heart and think things through. And, because of this I was informed that one can not go through life being scared of making bad decisions or with their guard completely up....who cares if you make a bad decision...sometimes those are equally important. As long as you are true to you and your beliefs their is no reason to be worried. -This makes perfect sense....

I am making a decision to live life this way.

You jumped....smiles.

Harry Potter tonight. YES!

Um...yeah, I cook. And, mostly its from scratch.

Shy? Really? Interesting.

P- Thanks for making me laugh...a lot.

Chai Tea = Delicious.

You did it AGAIN...didn't you?

Really??? I am never going to catch it. AH.

Until Next time....

"Sit back and kindly refrain from the intimacy of whispering"

Oh my....how I miss you.


Because I can.

So, I did something that I always promised myself I wouldn't....

You might lie just a little bit....but, it is always entertaining.

You always make me laugh.


So....
You didn't even try...I think I am a little offended.



Songs dedicated to me...even if I was only there in spirit....super cool.


Goldmans...I am so excited your coming my way.


"It would be most inconvenient since I swore to loathe him for all eternity." -Pride and Prejudice


Brownies are delicious.


Across the Universe was wonderful...visually fantastic. I cant believe it took me so long to see it.


V for Vendetta next...soon.

Miss. Shoop you are so wonderful. Thanks for the fun.


Fire Works are really so very cool.....this year none ended up in the neighbors garage....perfect :)


Sleep...is important.


YAY for the sister...I need sister days.


"The world to come to an end".....really? That says a lot and makes me a bit sad...I am just picky....


No....but, that is not from lack of options...


Kalyn I really enjoy you.


Just say it.


Fireworks on the roof = lovely. Rude guy...not so lovely.



Also, speaking of roofs....I am ready for a picnic on it....would that not be super cool?


Also (again) I would love to go on the roof of the theatre soon.....please.


Moons/ Scholl's ibar immediately.


The apple sauce club makes me smile...so cool.


RENT Wednesday...I am so excited! In fact, I fully expect to be star struck...I don't ever remember being star struck....but, I am a little worried it may happen.


The 19th is approaching.....we better get to work.


They are adorable....even at 1:45am.


The Ninja Turtles are cool....Ninja Turtle blankets....even better :)


"But, you probably just want to finish your coffee without some creepy guy staring at you" - LOVE


Slurpee day...you are so close.


Mr. McGregor...you are wonderful....although....Mr. Darcy still is my favorite.

I am not sure if I will EVER marry....but, Mr. Joe Vatter....if I do it will not be for like eight million years. :)

"We have a pregnant squirrel in the back yard and Rick wont let me feed her pre-natal vitamins" -The Aunt Karen ( You are seriously the coolest)

"But, Daddy....I want solar powered panels"

STOP it already.

Religion and politics....not on the list of polite conversation...but, definitely my favorite.

Thanks for the late night talk...I truly do miss you.

"So is that polyester warm?" or just "hi"

I was not the "hot" girl you were expecting....sorry.

Fireworks are lovely and lots of fun.

Why don't people talk like this anymore...it would make me so happy.

Face wash works well too....

Your source was O-so wrong....but, I am still intrigued...

I am extremely excited about the book club.

Favorite Emma quotes....

"Your entire personality is a riddle, Mr. Knightley. I thought you overqualified. "

"One does not like to generalize about so many people all at once, Mr. Knightley, but you may be sure that men know nothing about their hearts, whether they be six-and-twenty, or six-and-eighty. "

"I must throw a party for her. Otherwise everyone will feel at once how much I dislike her."

"Now I need not call you Mr. Knightly. I may call you *my* Mr. Knightley. "

"Maybe it is our imperfections which make us so perfect for one another."

"I hope John advises him against it. After all we know nothing about her parents. They could be pirates!"

"I am in the perfect state of warmness"

"Sit back and kindly refrain from the intimacy of whispering"

"He loves me. I felt listless after he left and had some sort of a headache, so I must be in love too."

"I do not wish to call you my friend, because I wish to call you something infinitely more"

"Oh, dear"